My introduction to Gina Frangello was a series of riveting pieces she wrote about her father for The Nervous Breakdown and then we got to meet in person at Pianos Lounge in New York City when she invited me to read with her on the Slut Lullabies tour. Her writing, fiction and non-fiction alike, is both immediate and thought provoking. Combine this with a unique voice that speaks to what it means to be a writer, an editor, a woman and a mother in the twenty-first century and you know that Gina is the real deal. Please welcome Gina to the blog where she talks about the paradox of being a stay-at-home mom and writer.
1.
There are mothers who work outside the home. There are mothers who stay at home. And then there are mothers like me: who work “outside” careers but “inside” our homes. Such is the life of a mother/writer/editor.
The pros are obvious. I can take my kids to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. I’m in the house, so unlike some busy career women, I’m here when my kids have playdates; I’m here to make dinner, pack lunches, help with homework, drive them to soccer. I’m here . . . well, with the exception of the 4 hours per week when I teach a class at a university downtown . . . pretty much all the time.
Wait, was that a “pro?”
Because that, itself, may also be the con. Since I am home, it would seem crazily indulgent to hire a nanny to do all these things that women who work outside the home hire nannies to do. You mean my nanny would be doing our laundry, cooking meals for my kids, helping them with math, all while I’m . . . sitting here a room or two away?
Even if I could get past that emotional hurdle (okay, that might not be so hard), there are other hurdles. Even more-successful-than-I-am writers usually don’t earn money on a novel or other book until after it’s finished and sold, the process of which can take anywhere between 1 year to 10 years depending on the writer and the book. My own average is 3-4 years. With what 15 bucks per hour would I be hiring this said nanny to chauffeur my kids around, exactly?
Loan the fact that I can’t even stand the radio on when I’m working, much less some adult non-family-member nanny-person occupying my space.
So for me, this has been the compromise. My kids are out of the house 6 hours per day, which gives me a mostly-uninterrupted 30 hour work week . . . when school is in session, that is . . . when nobody is sick. Because since I work from home, if there’s an orthodontist appointment, a call from the school nurse, it’s a given who will be handling that. My husband works in finance, earning the money that allows me not to have to embark on a more “stable” career, and so his work hours and responsibilities usually take priority over mine—a situation that benefits me, and so about which I can scarcely complain. And so, my life is a mainly happy paradox of simultaneously enjoying the geographically relaxed lifestyle of a stay-at-home mom, along with its accompanying luxuries of knowing my kids’ friends and teachers and having daily control over my own home environment . . . all while I also run an independent book press, an online literary magazine, write fiction, review books, and blog in addition to my teaching.
“I don’t know how you do it,” my stay-at-home mom friends like to say. “I’m so impressed!”
But is it my imagination, or do they say this with a slightly pitying air as though they all concur I am some weird form of masochist but nobody has the heart to tell me?
2.
As I write this, my kids are playing Leggos outside my office. They’re mainly quiet. They whisper as they build. They know better to turn on the television (though we have one upstairs they could watch, they seem to prefer proximity to me—I try not to think of this along rhesus monkey analogies.) My office has no door: its frame is too wide. We pretend it’s a separate room, but really, it is a nook at best. We live in the city. I am lucky to have a nook. It’s late August. The last time they were in school was mid-June. They were in a part-time day camp, but that ended at the end of July, and for a while there was a lice scare and I kept them home, and then some pipes exploded at the park district and camp was cancelled for a few days, and then everyone in our house got sick, and then there was a family vacation . . .
This has been going on for 9½ years.
3.
How many books would any of us have written if we did not have children?
The question is one of apples and oranges. After nearly a decade of motherhood, to imagine a Me who had never met my children would be like asking how many books my next door neighbor would have written . . . uh, if she happened to be a writer. It’s unanswerable, unknowable, based on something that is Not. No matter how true it is that women have every right not to define ourselves through motherhood, the truth is that human beings do evolve and identify largely by who we love and who has touched our lives—that we change with each new love and each new touch.
The “me” who would have written those books, in that parallel reality, does not exist anymore.
4.
Recently, a discussion on She Writes, a popular online community for women writers, book tours were discussed. Many women in the discussion group expressed that there was simply no way they could tour with small children at home. One of my authors forOther Voices Books, Zoe Zolbrod, brought up her anxieties about her forthcoming tour for her debut novel, Currency, but stressed her belief that touring was important for her book, for her as a writer—that this could be part of what she wanted to model for her children, too: living her own life and pursuing her dreams.
My second book, a collection of stories called Slut Lullabies, was released (by Emergency Press) the same month as Currency, so Zoe and I toured together as much as we could swing it. From May to September the cities on our itinerary included Austin, New York, Los Angeles, Bakersfield, Iowa City, Portland, Seattle, Grand Rapids, Ann Arbor, and for her Pittsburgh and Boston; for me Madison, Denver and Palm Springs.
I confess that our tour had an air of prisoners on a day pass from the jail into town. Zoe and I bought packs of cigarettes wherever we went. We drank early in the day. We wore heels in which we would not carry our toddlers, and silk dresses that normally would not stand up to small, greasy fingers. Perhaps there was some occasional flirting with literary colleagues or old boyfriends. Yet whenever we saw women with babies on their hips, we felt woozy with longing. We tended to book our return flights home as early in the morning as we could possibly find, knowing our eagerness to return to our children could rise to dangerously acute proportions if we spent too long unoccupied, waiting for an evening flight.
As the tour reached its final stages, we felt proud of ourselves for how hard we had worked it. When my first book came out in 2006, I was 9 months pregnant and then spent the next 7 months nursing, unable to leave home for more than a few hours at a time. Our travels this spring and summer seemed a monumental (I actually typed “momumental”—talk about a Freudian slip!) achievement.
Yet when I think of some of my favorite male writers—Joe Meno, Steve Almond and Stephen Elliott come to mind, whose careers, it might be fair to say, were in part made by their hardcore and innovative touring tactics—the “big tour” Zoe and I managed threatens to feel suddenly paltry and haphazard, spread out far beyond the short-lived buzz most books can really hope for and pieced together in-between family emergencies and kid-friendly beach vacations. Our grand act of doing something for ourselves and our careers, which so many on a women writers’ site didn’t feel they could even undertake, threatens to feel like the middle-aged-mom friendly version of the guerilla marketing for which indie writers (like us) are supposed to be known.
5.
Between April (the AWP Conference) and June (Los Angeles), my four year old son, Giovanni, who had been toilet trained for a year without incident, began having “accidents” at preschool and, up to a few nights per week, wetting his bed.
6.
What does it take to write a book? Truly? Virginia Woolf claimed, in an era perhaps less long-gone than we would like to believe, that it required a certain base level of independent means, and a room of one’s own. Yet I, at the dawn of the new century, am still making due on my husband’s income and a nook without a door. In this fashion, I have written two novels since my children were born, along with the bulk of a short story collection and other new stories. I have launched a book press, guest-edited several books and magazines, and blogged, reviewed and interviewed my ass off.
At times, it has felt like pulling teeth. At times, it has felt like a struggle to hear the voices in my head above the click of Leggos outside the door.
At other times, it has felt like transportation to another world. At times, the veil between the world of my fiction and the world of my family has felt so thick and impenetrable that I have had to fight by the moment to part the curtain and get back to my real life, lest I fall under the deep waters of the world inside my mind and make mistakes that would render it difficult, if not impossible, for me to find my way back.
What does it take to write a book? We revise expectations and needs as we go along. Perhaps it takes a school schedule—a mercifully decent public school education that does not cost me money and allows me to inhabit that other world for x hours per week without my having to pay someone else to manage my children while I do it.
Perhaps it does not take even that. Women have done it with less. Have written poems with a crying child on their hips and a pot on the stove. Have done it with no money for rent, addicted to drugs, or grieving a death. Despite my love of Woolf, there are no real rules.
Because writing can be born of either luxury or desperation, or both. It is alternately an indulgence and an act of heroism. Like being a mother and an artist at once, it dwells in perpetual contradictions and complements.
What does it take to write a book? Emotional risk. Determination. Working your ass off, with no guarantee it will ever “pay off”—pay off ranging from economic to artistic.
Okay, yes, it takes those things. That much we know.
7.
My husband and I fashion a “potty chart,” which our ten-year-old twin daughters decorate. We give Giovanni stickers on days he does not have accidents. After each week without an accident, he obtains a reward: flip top sunglasses; those blasted Leggos. We hold our breaths and wait for my trip out to Portland and Seattle, to see if the system holds in my absence. I hold my child in my arms and tell him over and over again, “I love you, I love you.” I promise that Mommy always comes back. I wish, as I sometimes did when I was a therapist, that it was possible to truly become a tabula rasa for our children (or clients), but instead I am gripped with anxiety: what if my plane crashes and I am lying to my son and Mommy does not “come back?” What can it be that is so important I am going to get inside some metal tube and hurtle across the sky without him?
Thank god for Valium.
8.
School begins in two weeks. Two more weeks and I will have more than a handful of snatched hours while my kids busy themselves, unnaturally quiet indoors on a sunny day or confined to our small, urban back yard, the twins playing Mommies to their younger brother, making sure he doesn’t wander out the gate to talk to any passing stranger with a dog. Two more weeks and they will be back in school like all kids, even those whose mothers do not spend much of their time inhabiting a make-believe world, even those whose mothers “stay at home” in the real sense, and I can stop feeling guilty for insisting on my scant work time because they will be out in the world doing what all children do, what they would be doing no matter what lifestyle their mother chose.
Two weeks. Where did the summer go? Why does it always end too damn soon?
9.
In Wisconsin at our friends’ farmhouse for 9 days, I was going to lavish them with all the attention the book tour had precluded. The house has no internet. My computer remained upstairs in its case, to be taken out only in cases of emergency insomnia. We had spent 10 days here last summer, lazily talking on the front porch, going to the playgrounds that line the river, walking the grounds, taking riding lessons at the horse barn just a couple miles down the road, swimming at the pool in town. That short period last summer shimmers in my memory, and this August it was to be a period of renewal, of rebonding, relaxation after all the stress associated with . . . I was going to say “promoting my book,” but maybe I mean, simply, all the stress of life.
Instead, the house was infested with rodents. Mice in the cabinets, chipmunks in the basement and the walls, and on the last day, a fat, insouciant rat wandering the upstairs hallway, who failed to even balk at my presence. Instead, my daughters and I cowered in a cluster on the couch with all the lights on, and my friend Amy called poison control when the poison we put in the basement ended up—like a carefully stacked gift!—carried back upstairs by the chipmunks and placed, while we were out, on her daughter’s baby blanket. Instead, my husband had to drive up to fetch us, and we fled the vacation early like survivors of the Amityville Horror.
Ah, the best laid plans of mice (er, and chipmunks, and rats) and (wo)men . . .
10.
The potty chart has been retired. It has been a month since Gio had an accident. My editor texts to say that, for the first time in a year, he spent a whole day doing Emergency Press business but did not have to do any work on me. Though I still have stops in Grand Rapids, Ann Arbor, Madison pending, the frenzy is slowing down, and for the first time, the short “seasons” of books begins to seem less cruel, and more a method of preserving authors’ sanity. Come fall, my editor texts, we’ll have to start talking about the next book, a novel he hopes to put out in 2011. Meanwhile, my agent is waiting for me to send her a revision of my newest novel so she can shop it to the big boys (or, as is mainly true of publishing, big girls) in New York.
Amid this, I spend a day at the Mall of America in Minneapolis, listening to my children laugh and squeal at the indoor amusement park, my chest bursting with happiness despite the cheesiness of it all.
I come home from the weekend to 360 emails.
And so my son and I walk a few blocks so that I can leave him for the day at his old daycare center, to catch up on the work I missed in Wisconsin and Minnesota. He fusses, drags his feet, says he does not want to go. “I want a Mommy day!” he insists. It will do no good to say he has had two weeks of Mommy days. In the world of a four year old, every day should be a Mommy day. In my four-year-old world, every day was. So instead, I sing with him the words of songs he makes up and cajole him on his way.
Still, he dawdles. Perhaps because he is in no hurry to arrive, he stops to pick me a flower. When he delivers it to my hands he says, “Mommy, I wish I could give you every flower in the world.”
And I realize, unlike an attorney or a brain surgeon, it is within my power to promise I will pick him up a little early. So a few more emails will go unanswered; that second guest-blog-post unwritten. But because I work from home, because I make crap money anyway, because I am my own boss . . . screw it, the world will not explode.
At my promise, I watch a huge grin bloom across his sun-kissed face.
Pro.